Thursday, June 04, 2009
..:: ¿Emociones? ::..>

(entry in Spanish :D)

Hoy tendría que haber ido a las clases de preparación para la PAU. De hecho me desperté a mi hora usual cuando tengo que ir a clase. Y fui con mi madre y mis hermanos en el coche, y llegué al colegio. Incluso esperé los diez minutos que quedaban para salir del coche e irme a clase. Pero justo cuando eran las 8:30 me acobardé. No me pasaba hace mucho tiempo.

Hacía mucho que me daba miedo salir e ir al colegio. Pero esta vez no sólo me daba miedo. Me aterraba. Ahora que lo escribo parezco una auténtica cría indispuesta a soltar la mano de su madre. Es patético, y se supone que dentro de una semana y media me presento a la prueba de acceso a la universidad.

Hoy me he planteado seriamente que tal vez sí sienta algo de fobia social. Cuando llegué a casa con Harunohiko (mi móvil- es verdad, tengo uno nuevo desde la Graduación, no he escrito sobre eso) y los auriculares enchufados en él y yo escuchando no sé qué melodía... me fui directamente a mi habitación a encender el ordenador y ponerme a ver el siguiente episodio de NANA (comencé a ver el anime esta semana).

Ya casi parezco una hikikomori. No es que me encierre en mi cuarto. Dejo la puerta abierta, pero no salgo y el mundo exterior para mí no existe en esos momentos (incluso ahora). Me pregunto qué estarán haciendo en clase. La de Filosofía era importante pues nos tenían que dar apuntes sobre Ortega y Gasset ya que no lo trabajamos durante el curso. Ahora tendré que arreglármelas por mí misma.

¿Se habrá arrepentido mi tutora de haberme aprobado? Como incluso después de haberlo hecho no muestro ningún interés por las clases...

Y pensar que en secundaria era la estudiante modelo que apenas faltaba a clase. A veces me pregunto quién es mi auténtico yo, la buena estudiante popular por sus perfectas notas o la apenas perceptible chica debilucha. O tal vez ninguna de las dos. A lo mejor aún soy algo así como un embrión de mi auténtico yo. Espero crecer pronto y morir pronto, ¿acaso no era es mi plan de vida? No sé si podré llevarlo a cabo ahora que me miro.

Y el tema de las becas este año me está sacando de quicio. Nadie en el colegio sabe nada al respecto. ¿Se puede saber entonces cómo voy a pagar yo mis estudios?

Mi deseo de hoy... ser más fuerte.

# posted by Ai Himino | 09:54 | 0 comments


Tuesday, May 26, 2009
..:: Temporary Freedom ::..>

So... today was officially last day of school. But technically, it wasn't.

I had the Technical Drawing final exam today. I am... relieved? I really don't know how I am feeling right now because a mixture of feelings is bumping in my mind.

If I was in 10th grade I'd be so happy, I'd be shouting to the world that I've won. But this year wasn't easy at all. It was even harder than the previous one, and I thought that it was impossible.

In the end, I'm biting my nails and crossing my fingers to wish that I pass all the subjects, especially T. Drawing, Maths, Physics and History. Four subjects that I've been really weak on this year. Four.

I feel like I'll fail all of them. What will happen next? I can barely see through my own thoughts. How can I predict my future?

I've noticed this blog is getting gloomier day by day. I'm sorry.

I'm graduating this Saturday. I can't sy I'm not happy for even getting up here. But it isn't as I had imagined. I'm not even cherished by my teachers anymore. My classmates don't come to me with their homework trouble anymore. Suddenly, I've become dumb.

I'll write again when all this mindstorm has ended.

# posted by Ai Himino | 13:57 | 2 comments


Saturday, May 02, 2009
..:: Growing ::..>

So on 1st May I turned 18. I'm not a minor anymore, and even though most people would organize a big party for such an event, I feel sad and didn't do anything.

I'm already 18 and I haven't done a single thing worth mentioning. Today I drew something after a very long time and it isn't good at all... Sometimes I feel like I've lost my interest in drawing just because I don't have time for it. And sometimes "not having time" is just an excuse to slack off my duties. I really want to have time. I want to stop the time and the world and breathe a little.

This year, well, just yesterday or a couple of days before I took a really big decision. I want to study Computer Engineering. The complete 5 years. I won't have time for anything else. No drawing, no slacking off, no goofing. They'll be five long years of hard-work, but I have to do it for the sake of having a beter life in a future. I can't study Art and keep living the way I am today. I want to go on, and become someone who can make a diference in this world.

I feel so miserable for being already 18 with the feeling that I've been wasting these past three years. It's horrible. My soul is aching and I'm not even a person who believes that there's a soul.

My life has no meaning. I don't have anyone who I can rely on. I could write all of this in my Livejournal where more people could read it, but I don't want them to know. I feel like I'm a fake. I'm not the real thing. I'm just a shadow hiding behind a smiling mask. I cant even show myself to the virtual world, how am I supposed to unveil my real self to the real world?

And I feel so lonely. On my birthday some friends called me and the most unexpected people congratted me on Facebook and such... But it's lonely. This world is lonely. Quiet and deaf. Nobody hears me. I can't hear anybody.

I want to be in a world of myself, but I can't. Why is it?

The person I most admire told me she admires me. Why? She told me I was someone who wasn't forced to be a hypocrite because I acted in my own way. Is that true?

I don't know.

If acting like nothing interests me at all is being myself, then I'd rather be a rock.

I wish someone entered in this lonely world of mine and shouted loudly to wake me up.

# posted by Ai Himino | 15:20 | 0 comments


Saturday, April 25, 2009
..:: Books ::..>

Hello theeeeeeere!

Updating to prove I'm not dead.

Yeah, so today I've downoaded "The Alchemyst", and it is supposedly part of a series called "The Secret". Now... this is different from "The Alchemist", right? The first one's by Michael Scott and the second one by Paulo Coelho. I'm wondering... which one's better? I've seriously lost some interest for books in this year, I wonder why, maybe it's because of my lack of time, or because I've got a laptop and prefer to watch doramas on it instead of reading a book?

The last book I read was Twilight, and sorry twilight-fans, but I hated it. Edward's an obsessive ass who needs to get a life and Bella's plain stupid. I liked Alice and Jasper, though. And I have the Memories of Idhun in my "to-read" list. It's been on my e-book folder for years, but I can't put myself to read such large books on the computer.

I dunno, but... I want to read a proper alchemy book. I remember watching a documentary about alchemy and it mentioned one of the books I stated before, the thing is I don't know which one of them it was.

Well... My birthday's coming soon.... I feel like crying... Because I won't be a minor anymore... TT_TT I won't to be a kid foreveeeeeer, it's not fair!! I don't want to be 18!!

And today's my mum's birthday. She's worried that in a couple of years she'll be 40. Ahhhh... Everyone fears aging. I actually fear being ugly or slow (I've become so impatient these days, I hate when my lil' sis doesn't do her homework quickly, it's so irritating).

Dundundundundundun...

Bye-bicycle

# posted by Ai Himino | 17:35 | 0 comments


Saturday, March 28, 2009
..:: Earth Hour 2009! ::..>

I didn't know the vote had to be registered!! How am I supposed to post a blog entry if I have turned off the electricity switch? -_-

Anyways, I did it. I voted for Earth!

And I'll be sure to do it right next year and get a video captured instead of sitting and telling fairytales to my siblings xDD

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# posted by Ai Himino | 20:52 | 0 comments